Southern Charm Cafe 8501 Astronaut Blvd. Cape Canaveral, FL 32920
1.5 Stars
Having been freshly exungulated at a local salon run by a fellow Mel-Hi Alum, I headed up the coast towards the next dining establishment suggested by my random name generator, Southern Charm Cafe in Cape Canaveral. Upon entering the aforementioned snap house, the first thing I noticed was the “Homemade” emblazoned above cakes, pies, and desserts. I tell you no lies; it’s in the picture. However, I get ahead of myself.
My server today was an old hand at the game, Mary. She is super efficient and spent years in a previous restaurant where she was the show. She’s still got plenty of game. I put in an order for some grits, one pancake, some home fries and a Porky Pig omelet. I relaxed a bit while awaiting Mary’s return.
Soon enough, she returned with my grub, and I commenced the job at hand (stuffing my pie hole). I am at a loss on how to approach this review, there are so many ways. However, as I am sure my editor will fix it anyway, I might as well do it in the order listed above.
The grits were more akin to snail slime than the Southern Breakfast staple. They tasted fine; however, someone either spilled a gallon of water in the pot, or they have no idea how to cook. At all. By the time you get to the end of this review, you will know as well as I did which was the case.
After a few spoonfuls of grits soup, I turned my fork to the single griddle cake in front of me and stuffed a forkful in my mouth. I immediately removed it from said orifice. It was so inedible it reminded me of the Three Stooges gag where Shemp is served a powder puff. How in the world can you make an unappetizing pancake? All you do is add eggs, water and oil and stir the mix…
Before I move on, I would ask you to take a gander at the pics if you haven’t already. Notice the shine on the spuds? Yep, that was a pound of extra grease on those puppies. They were so horrendously greasy that made my stomach churn on the way home.
Thankfully, this brought me to the last item I had to sample in this nauseating excuse for a restaurant, the Porky Pig Omelet. While it was cooked properly, it consisted of an interior that no doubt came from a Pizza Hut freezer that predates the turn of the Century. Everything in this place was crap. The saving grace of a Swill Alert was the biscuit. Somehow, this was actually delicious.
Now, back to the menu. I asked the manager if the cakes, pies and desserts were, as stated, homemade. I could tell they were made in bulk and purchased from a distributor, as I have seen this ruse before. At first, the manager insisted they were made in the back. After vigorous cross-examination, she finally admitted that they do NOT, in fact, make their own cakes & pies but buy them from a food distributor. Noticing the 14 deputy sheriff’s scarfing down free food (I asked) I did feel safe from external threats, however, internally I wasn’t so sure I trusted what little I just put down.
The Big Boy says, “If you want free food, join the Sheriff’s Department; otherwise, this joint isn’t worth the $22.00. Not by anyone’s standard.”
